Let me ask you something. Do you like Aliens? Do you like Ninjas? Do you like leather pants? Great — this movie is for you.

Once upon a time in medieval Japan there was a powerful Ninja gang called the Iga. They spent their days somersaulting off of buildings, creating explosions, and talking about how great it is to be ninjas. The Iga’s  favorite pastime is kicking the crap out of other Ninja gangs clad in varying degrees of s&m fetish gear. The problem is, they do this so well leader Yamata decides it would be fun to take on entire gangs alone just to challenge himself.  Life is pretty great for awhile…. until a mysterious flaming ball of fire deposits some homicidal crazed aliens on Iga turf.

When the Ninjas go to investigate said ball of flaming fire, they find super-fast, super-strong, super-slimey  alien monsters (who look suspiciously like dudes in rubber suits). The Aliens embark on a crazy killing rampage and it’s up to the Ninjas to save everyone as usual.

You have to give it to them, Alien vs Ninja delivers exactly what the title promises: Ninjas fighting Aliens, Aliens fighting Ninjas, and — that’s about it. Realistic special effects, character development, subtlety…not so much. Not that any of it matters.  AvN excels at ridiculously cool fight scenes, doing them so well that everything else seems like a negligible detail. The actors give very admirable performances, somehow managing to look suitably horrified when decorative Halloween body parts are flung at them. Oh, and yes, writer/director/mastermind Seiji Chiba is definitely in on the joke.   He is privy to an eternal and fundamental movie-making secret —  as long as there’s blood gushing out of rubber heads and chopped off limbs flopping around, there will be entertainment.

Now, you may be thinking, “The whole movie is fighting? Doesn’t that get old?”

No.

First of all, the movie is only an hour and twenty minutes long. That’s nothing these days. Second, whenever the director feels the audience’s attention span might be compromised (which for the most part is never) he simply serves up  one of actress Mika Hijii’s delectable, leather-clad body parts.  Eyes swivel back onto the screen like they’re caught in tractor beams. Even the Aliens seem memorized by her boob armor.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, Alien vs Ninja won’t bore you with any mundane details like who the aliens are, or, like… subplots. But trust me, you won’t mind. In the wise words of Yamata, ‘”If you don’t like that, go be a farmer or something.”

On a scale of one to awesome, Alien vs Ninja is OH MY FREAKING FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER.

Alien vs Ninja
Directed by Seiji Chiba
Starring: Mika Hijii, Shuuji Kashiwabara, Ben Hiura
Japanese with English subtitles, Japan 2010, 81 minutes

As the inaugural title on movie label Sushi Typhoon, AVN is a very promising start. The label was created to produce low-budget Japanese cult cinema for distribution in America. Check the site for future screenings and news. In the meantime, you can watch the trailer here -